Coming Back to Me

Community: a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common. This is the definition according to the Oxford dictionary. Human beings need community in order to have a sense of belonging. This usually means that there is energy, time or attention spent for other people. Of course, we do things for ourselves as well. But sometimes, the scale gets tipped towards caring for others more than ourselves. When this happens, it is possible to be left feeling depleted. We forget our own needs, which at its worst, can lead to sickness, or even depression.

How do we fill our cup when we’re busy filling the cup for others?

I have a client who is caring for a parent with dementia and going to work at the same time. She has a sister who could assist with responsibilities for their parent, but the sister refuses because she is emotionally incapable of helping in this way. Caregiving is not for everyone. While this is frustrating for my client, she cannot spend her time with resentment towards her sister. She must take better care of herself, but feels she has nothing left in order to do so. Where is the time or energy? You might say, take a spa, go on vacation, just take a break, right?

Easier said than done.

Like most people, my client is interested in maintaining community, which in this case is her family. But what is more valuable to understand is when we don’t give ourselves the proper care, we aren’t giving our best to the community. In that sense, we fail twice. But, this doesn’t have to be your outcome. Make yourself the priority whether you have children, a parent with dementia, or a demanding occupation. There is a way to come back to  yourself. Make it your business and you’ll have a stronger community.

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When the Bad is All Good

Before we even got started on our road trip things seemed to be going wrong. Walking around the car to put some things in the trunk, I stepped on some exposed tree roots and threw my hip out of alignment, instantaneously. My back went into a painful spasm. How am I supposed to sit in a car for 4 hours now?

My husband, David and I were embarking upon one of our epic summer road trips. Who loves a road trip? ✋

I took a moment, stretched, and the pain abated. It was a lovely ride. Good music, and even better conversation. When we arrived at our first destination for butterfly photography, we hiked for a few hours. The scent of pine, cedar and fir trees energized me like a healing tonic. My hip injury seemed to disappear. It was a beautiful day. Finally we arrived at the hotel. However, our room was double booked. (I guess this happens sometimes when folks book with Expedia? Be mindful.)

Anyhow, upon noticing the error, the friendly hotel staff upgraded our room. Hurray! But then we realized that the very clean upgrade had no toilet paper nor washcloths. (I understand some people don’t use washcloths but that’s a whole other blog.) Also, the deadbolt on the front door didn’t work and several blinds were missing from our front window in the living room. Yes, living room, we were upgraded to an entire apartment! We shared what was lacking with the staff and surprisingly, they had no washcloths and had to run to the store for toilet paper. No, the deadbolt would not be fixed during our stay. But gratefully, there was a chain on the door and an old skool lock in the doorknob. We were set for security.

That afternoon we received a call saying that the manager would “have to go home to get washcloths from his linen closet”. Needless to say, it was a small town with very nice people.

Later that night, the folks in the apartment next to us got into an argument that lasted most of the night. We decided not to go into a dark place about this particular moment, and instead raised the volume on our music to drown out the arguing. And frankly, we had our toilet paper and washcloths, so we were giving thanks for our blessings.

The next day we continued our hiking and butterfly photography adventures. Since these excursions often take place in meadows, I’m usually covered in mosquito repellent because I’m that person who always gets a bug bite if there’s a bug around. 🙄 But these were Kern River mosquitoes. Let me explain: These are OG mosquitoes, comparable to Caribbean mosquitoes. You better have the repellent that’s super toxic. But of course, I had the “wellness” mosquito repellent. The good for your skin type of repellent. That said, I was eaten alive.

But we ate well, took fabulous photos and videos, and loved each other up. So yeah, things went all kinds of "bad" on this trip, but we were all good.

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Love, an Imperfect Journey

He swept me up into his arms and I knew right then that we were meant to be together. (gag)

Well, it really wasn’t like that at all.

I’d been online dating for 3 years on and off. Mostly off. I’d go through bouts of “I don’t need anyone,” to “I’m married to myself,” to “Where the heck is he already?!” Finally, I went on the first date with my now husband, David. I was 40 minutes late and he was 20 minutes early. He’s not usually early and I’m rarely late. I was a nervous wreck. We both were, actually. As a result, we had 2 shots of tequila to begin our meeting. We talked unceasingly. And, there was chemistry… for sure. It wasn’t just because of the tequila, it was us. Things were going well. But he was married previously. He filed for divorce, but she wouldn’t sign the papers. Unbelievable. Normally, as a relationship coach I’d say, “Run! Run very fast and very far away!” But, David did quickly handle this issue, and he was free.

I’ve heard clients talk about the variations of “perfect” that they need in a partner. And while it’s good to have a list of what you’d like to create for a viable relationship, it’s more important to be wise to the imperfections of life while you’re forming this vision.

“I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6’ 5”, blue eyes.” Good luck, girl. Let’s get real.

But, I get it. There are qualities that we want in another human being if we’re interested in living with someone for a lifetime. However, there’s more to it than a list.

I had ideals with dating. Most of us do. My intention was to play it cool and not let on that I was falling for this man, David. Needless to say that completely fell apart.

We still used answering machine’s back then when I decided to leave him a message confirming that he could come over later that day. When I left the message before hanging up I said, “Alright, so I’ll see you later. Love you!”

Cringe! Why did I just say that? I started fumbling with my words before the machine could cut me off. “Uh, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean ‘love’. I meant, ya know… well, alright. Never mind, bye!!” Dang, I just fell into a word hole. Anyway, we laughed about it that evening and still laugh about it today, 18 years later. We were in love.

In about a year, I was ready to move in together. Isn’t that the way things are supposed to go if you’re serious about someone? Well, he was serious and I was serious, but he was not ready to move in together.

(Remember he was married previously and it didn’t go well. Folks need time to rebalance after divorce.)

Regardless, I like to move with alacrity! (sigh) Okay, fine. I will wait.

We did move in together after 3 years. But, isn’t 3 years when a couple gets married if they’re serious? We were only moving in together. Ugh!

While we were moving at different speeds, we were on the same journey.

It is said, that if you don’t get married after 3 years dating, something is wrong, right? Not necessarily. We married after 7 years. Yup. And, we’ve been together this whole time maneuvering through life’s winding roads, pitfalls and blissful moments.

So here’s the thing, every couple creates their own reality of how their relationship will go. This is not based on anyone else but the folks in the relationship. That’s it. It’s your own private world and you are crafting it together. Be thoughtful on how you both would like to create it and you’ll have a solid partnership.

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