Sensual vs. Sexual

Illustrator: Courtney Collins

I had a strange conversation with a longtime friend, which I found curious based on how it ended. Not well. (It’s of note that we’re both in our mid-50s, clearly in menopause.) She was waxing on about how she is "tired of being a sexual object” and that “hormones have made her less of a sexual object” and maybe “that’s a good thing”.

I’m all for not being only a sexual object, of course. However, I wanted to introduce the topic of sensuality over sexuality for women, as a concept, and its value as we age. There is a major difference between the two. Being more sensual is where it’s at!

She was not hearing it.

According to Merriam-Webster, sensuality means relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite, devoted to or preoccupied with the senses or appetites.

Sensuality is like eating that delicious piece of fruit that awakens each taste bud, or hearing that certain song that makes your hips sway in that way, you know what I mean! When you’re touching that rose petal or your own skin, so velvety soft, or that smell when you pop open that fresh vanilla bean. Mmm… being sensual, does not have to mean sex, at all. And yes, it can turn you on.

If you’re doing it right, sex can be sensual. It can enliven the senses and increase pleasure. But sensuality… that does not have to mean sex.

And furthermore, what aroused you during sex at 25, will not be the same at 55.

First of all, as women age, hormones change, meaning we lose estrogen and testosterone, among other things. Losing estrogen means losing arousal from simple penetration with sex, and having potentially more pain during sex. Add to this, less testosterone, which means we have less of an urge for sex. Good times. But, sensuality is a game changer.

Also, sensuality is a spiritual tool.

Yes, boo.

Let’s begin with that last one. When we enjoy a guided meditation, we often hear the phrase: follow the breath. The idea is not only to “follow” the breath and give awareness to it, but also to “feel” the breath. If we really pay attention we can indeed feel this sensation inside. This is interoception. Not one of the 5 senses, but it’s one of the subtle senses.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, interoception is awareness of your body's internal senses or signals. It identifies how you feel.

Once we are feeling our breath on the inside we are well on our way to a spiritual experience. This is because if we begin to slow the breath down we trigger the parasympathetic nervous system which relaxes us. Now, give attention to this through interoception and now, we are grounded, heading towards meditation.

Furthermore, if we use this very same tool we can access self-pleasure holistically, using the tools of sensuality. I illustrate this in an article here and give full guidance in this detailed online program.

Regardless of what religion has told you or what menopause has done to you, as a woman, you are meant to have pleasure. It is our birthright. There is a reason that the clitoris is the only organ in the female body whose purpose is solely for pleasure. Nothing else. Never was and never will be.

We deserve to enjoy our bodies. I hope one day my friend will understand.

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Valentine's Day for All

The focus of love for this day is an important one. Self-care and sharing gifts with your partner are wonderful gestures. However, too many people are suffering for us to only think of ourselves. Valentine's Day is not just for lovers. As our focus goes outwards to others, I am reminded of the original meaning of Valentine's Day.

The holiday began with Saint Valentine. According to legend, during the third century, Saint Valentine performed weddings for Christian soldiers who were not allowed to marry. Also, he restored the sight to the daughter of the man who put him in jail. Pretty good saint behavior, I guess.

But even though we are not saints, we have other gifts we can share too. How can you help someone else feel more loved through your kindness and generosity today?

Give to a food bank today. Make a co-worker a meal if you know they are struggling. Donate to wildfire recovery through the Salvation Army or American Red Cross. Donate to the Los Angeles Fire Department Foundation. Ujamma Place in Minnesota empowers young black men to overcome systemic barriers and gain success through holistic services. There are so many people and places that could use a little assistance. What underserved communities can you share your kindess, love and generosity with at this moment? Even just your time is a beautiful thing to share right now. Someone you know is struggling, I bet.

The bottom line is you have a quality that is beneficial to someone in the world today. What is it? Be a Saint Valentine. Connect, reach out, and heal someone with your presence. That is real love.

Self-care for Suffering

Illustration: Courtney Coloring

My parents became ill. Simultaneously, I underwent two surgeries. All of this happened before the end of the year. Merry Christmas? While the surgeries were successful, it was a tough holiday season.

There are a plethora of things to take care of when loved ones decline (within weeks of each other), especially when they’re your parents. I wanted to do everything right for the ones who have always done right by me, so this added extra stress. I can’t mess this up! Every move I made was an important one because it’s for their health and well-being. And furthermore, I’m the only one making these important decisions, as their only child.

(Can we have a course in high school called Aging Parents where students get prep for this life changing event?) Anyway…

It’s been an exhausting journey.

The thing is many of my friends are going through similar grief with their aging or ill loved ones.  The decline. The suffering. It’s a part of life that most of us will experience.

If this is your journey, you may have feelings of overwhelm, feeling lost, angry, apathetic, with brain fog and low energy. You may find that at any moment you’re just a breath away from yet another miscommunication because you’re constantly “on edge”. It’s okay. Apologize when needed. Your friends and family will understand.

It’s just suffering. You won’t feel like yourself. You’re not supposed to. Embrace it. Radically accept it. As a society, we don’t talk about suffering often, but we are now. We have friends that lost their homes during the recent and ongoing L.A. fires. The fact of the matter is suffering is normal. That’s your first self-care tip.

You may want to cocoon. Second tip. There’s so much going on in your mind when going through emotional pain, that it might be more effective to go inward to process the situation before sharing with a trusted friend or even therapist. There is clarity within silence. You might not reach out to friends as much during this time of cocooning. All good. No one can expect you to skip through the fields like a unicorn in a children’s book. There will be time enough for that down the road. Right now, face your feelings. Even if you think: I feel awful and I don’t know what to do about it. That is strength because you’re aware and present to it. Your body will likely respond to this awareness with tears which is good and cleansing for the soul.

When we decide to embrace our emotions and deal with our feelings around them, we allow ourselves to experience the journey of how to deal with pain and suffering. This makes us more resilient to life’s unforeseen tumbles. We become more empathetic and compassionate to others and ourselves. And yes, we get stronger, too.

Life moves on, so we want to move on with it. Because after all, the ultimate goal is to transform the pain and cocooning into a fully emerged and brilliant ‘butterfly’ ready to fly… and that is you.

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