Flutter of the Butterflies

I jumped in the ride share on the way to my girlfriend’s house for lunch. It was an activity I did often so I didn’t expect anything other than a mundane 16 minute ride. As I entered the vehicle, the man driving confirmed my name and proceeded with the usual pleasantries. Are you having a good day so far? Where are you headed? What do you do?

That last one was a little personal, but my driver was charming so I answered anyway.

Upon hearing that I was a relationship coach and reiki master, he shared, “I help my friends with advice on their relationships. People have all kinds of relationship problems. I don’t know what it is, but they just seem to approach me all the time!” I responded, “That’s nice.” He continued, “It’s so interesting, but most problems people have in relationships are caused by OCD. Isn’t that something?” “I don’t think that that’s true.” I said. “Oh yes, it is!” he replied and smiled.

By the way, for the purpose of this blog, let’s call our driver, John.

John continued, “When couples have issues it’s because one of them is OCD.” I said nothing. He briefly turned around, “It’s true! Just think about when you’re having an issue. You’re thinking about it over and over again. That’s OCD.” I replied, “If that were true, then there would be no need for therapists. The diagnosis would be the same every time. All of the mental health care workers would be out of their jobs.” John replied, “I’m telling you the problems in relationships are cause by OCD.” He went on and on. I said nothing. “There are over 30 different kinds of OCD.” He turned around again and smiled to make sure I was listening, “Over 30!” “Really?” I replied. I didn’t want us to crash. “Yes.” He turned back around and kept talking about friends needing him for advice and how OCD was the cause of all of it. He was very nice, though.

16 minutes never went by so slowly.

“You also help people with anxiety, right? I’ve heard of reiki. My girlfriend has anxiety. Are you on social? What’s your name on there?” He shot me a smile. I told him, and we pulled up to my destination. “Nice meeting you, take care!” I said, as I hopped out of the car.

It was as if a butterfly flew right by my ear. A slight alert, easy to ignore. But the intuition was clear, fluttering on by. I paid attention.

There are 4 general types of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), not 30. For all I knew, this young man had OCD himself, anxiety, and no girlfriend. Actually, it’s irrelevant. What is more pertinent is that I paid attention to my intuition that warned me he was lying.

We all have intuition. However, sometimes we don’t follow it regarding our relationships and when meeting new people. How many times have you exited a challenging or traumatic situation with someone, only to contemplate that if you had listened to your intuition you could have avoided it?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary: intuition is an ability to understand or know something without needing to think about it or use reason to discover it…

Intuition isn’t usually a strong feeling like the one you get when you think someone is following you. That feeling sparks the fight-or-flight response of danger. Intuition, on the other hand, is much more subtle which is why we sometimes don’t follow it. John was charming and personable. And, I think if he were talking to someone who didn’t know a thing about mental health or OCD, they might believe him. The same thing can happen on a date with someone like a John. They start telling you something about their life and because they’re charming and kind, you believe them. You want to believe them more than listening to your own intuition.

Pay attention to the butterfly wings fluttering by your ear. The flutter is subtle but impactful if you heed it. Subscribe to my newsletter ⬆️ for 3 ways to sharpen your intuition.

Why Couples Need Meditation, Now More Than Ever

Is the world going nuts or is it just me? Another mass shooting. Heartbreaking. So much to do and not enough time. Exhausted. Inflation. It’s an election year and it feels like chaos already. I could use a break.

These are things that can create stress across the board. General tensions - let’s call them. They are the common tensions of life that many of us experience. But, then there are those challenging personal experiences that are far more intense, simply because of their nature. We can call those - acute tensions, like divorce, learning that a friend has cancer or losing a job when you’re the breadwinner. These types of experiences hit in a tougher way like a fall from the air without a parachute.

“Life is a jewel to fight,” my Grandmums once said. She would know, as a woman raising 4 children on her own.

As I dealt more with aging parents and my husband became more stressed with his demanding job, I started to lose my natural perkiness. Apparently, I was joyful from the beginning. My dad called me perky, ready to laugh and play. But these days, I was less perky, more like… peh.

General and acute tensions became my unwanted friends… and my husband’s. What’s a couple to do?

We cannot change the circumstances of life. But, we can change our responses to them.

When things become wound tight like a rubber band in relationships often no one does anything about it because the stress comes on slowly. And, when it does come on quickly, each person is busy running around trying to fix what caused the stress. Therefore, the actual stress is not addressed.

But, once you start to feel that something is amiss between you and your partner, you can handle it.

As a Reiki Master Teacher and meditation expert, I reached into my bag of tricks. Stress was affecting my jewel of a relationship and I was determined to fight it.

My husband didn’t know much about meditation but he was willing… and a willing heart is all you need to move forward.

Meditation relieves stress and anxiety, lowers blood pressure, creates self-awareness and helps to make us more mindful, and therefore, more kind. We need all of this in our relationships in order for them to thrive. When there is consistent tension, we may become short-tempered and as a result, unkind to our significant others. Couples need meditation especially these days.

There are several positions you can do to achieve couples meditation aside from the one shown. You can sit back to back or forward facing, holding hands. See our lovely couple, Beth and Mike in the attached video. Each person is grounding their energy with one hand on their own leg (root chakra). The other hands are on the partner’s upper back or chest (heart chakra). Breathe slowly and mindfully. Stay connected to how you’re feeling. Create an intention of peace and love for yourself and your partner. Focus on your well-being and theirs. Take your time with this process.

We cannot erase the obstacles that interrupt our perky, joyful relationships, but we can transform our reactions to them and each other, one breath at a time.

In for the Win

Many people want relationships, but often don’t know what to do in order to maintain them in a healthy way. I’ve been in my relationship for over 17 years and I will admit it hasn’t always been an easy win but I’ve stayed in the game. And, I can honestly say that I’m a happily married woman.

As a relationship coach, I’ve found that some couples don’t have the patience for the work that is needed to grow a successful marriage. It is a commitment of the highest order because who you’re actually committing to is yourself.

That’s right. When you get married, you are committing to yourself.

Being committed to you takes understanding and being honest with yourself. It takes honoring and valuing yourself enough to have the compassion and patience required to do the transformational work. The same is true when committing to marriage with another.

Now, before I go any further, I want to share that this blog is not about committing to abusive relationships. If your partner has no regard for your well-being, you need not be committed to them. Period. Take care of you.

The nature of life is transformational. The only things we can guarantee in this beautiful existence is change and taxes. We cannot avoid either without consequences. That said, we must change also, in order to be in alignment with the flux of life.

If you’re the type of person who would like to marry, make sure you and your partner  are interested in working on transforming issues that arise throughout the entire marriage, not just at the beginning. I’ve had clients in the past say: “I’ve done work on myself already.” Like the work is over or something. Yet, issues in their marriage continue. The work continues! Don’t give up. The game is still in play.

Sometimes the work and change needed is just a slight adjustment. However, sometimes you’re working on your relationship for years, pulling much of the weight and wondering if things will ever get better. Don’t let this be a deterrent. Remember Tom Brady? Arguably, he pulled a great deal of the weight for his team(s). No one complained. And, all the players rose to the occasion to be a champion team. I know it’s hard when you’ve been plugging away for a long time. But life is long too and isn’t it worth it? You want your championship ring, believe me. It’s far better than giving up and succumbing to the “D” word.

So, do your training, get in the game and commit to it. 100%. Human beings have the ability to be champions.

I spoke to a friend of mine, who had been married for over 30 years. She told me that for 10 years and maybe more, she and her husband were at odds. She did not like him at all. They did not divorce. They worked on their relationship. It took therapy, much patience and a whole lotta love. They respected and honored their marriage vows. I asked her right before writing this blog: Would you say that after all of that, you’re a happily married woman right now? She replied, yes. Yes? You read that right. The two of them honored the team. After 10 years of struggling, they made it work. That’s 3,650 days. Mull that over for a sec.

When my husband and I first met, I remember someone telling me that if you’ve been with someone longer than three years and they don’t marry you, you should leave them. That was the advice going around at the time. After we had been in relationship for three years, we were not married and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. The short of it is, the timeline really doesn’t matter. Relationships take the time they take to mature and get to the win, especially if your partner was once married like my husband, you may have to go into overtime. OT doesn’t matter, the win does.

You need to huddle in relationships. There’s a lot of talk, a few flags will be thrown, and everyone will not agree with the calls that are made. But the game carries on because you are committed to the team.

Many of us have bad habits in relationships that we don’t even realize. These are habits that we developed when we were younger. Maybe we came from great parents like my husband and I, but still developed bad habits in relationships as adults based on heartbreak, misguided information or what have you. But you can still win the game. Many football players have had bad habits. But the ones that get back to the gym, listen to the coach and have the burning desire to win, often make the transformation to return to the game, making a comeback. I’ve done it. My friend did it. And you can, too.

Subscribe to MyOshun ⬆️ for 3 tips on creating a winning relationship.