Transformation - When it's Time to Leave Your Partner

April 2006. Just another ordinary month in an ordinary year… or so I thought.

But, let’s back up a bit.

I met him at our university in 1991 at a Halloween party. He was wearing lipstick, had long brown hair, and charming as all get out. His costume, a woman. Mine, a hippie. We talked and laughed all night. I gave him my number and our relationship was on.

Everything about Theo seemed to be a perfect match for me, right down to our birth. We were born on the same day of the same year. Just 3 1/2 hours apart. My youth told me: This was a sign that we were meant to be.

Also, he was an artist and made pencil sketches of me. He said that he got lost in my eyes and would draw pictures of them over and over again. We spent tons of time together on dates, hung out in his dorm room, and took the occasional road trip on the weekends. Theo was the guy with an entourage, he had lots of friends. And was clearly the leader of the pack. I suddenly had a whole new set of buddies. As an only child, this was another sign that we were meant to be, right? Theo was my first love.

However, after just one semester of first love bliss, he transferred to a school with warmer weather because his sports scholarship no longer applied based on an injury. So he left. But, our relationship continued long distance.

It evolved into a strange and uncomfortable experience for me as the years wore on.

After graduation, I moved to California, expecting that our relationship would easily return to normalcy since he was in California, too. It did not. I’d call Theo to hang out. Occasionally, he’d answered the phone, but most times, he wouldn’t. But when he’d call me, I was right there to respond. We were clearly drifting and the relationship was clearly on his terms. I started dating other people and knew he was doing the same. But, I just wanted to be with him. We became the couple that was mostly off, and occasionally - on.

Then, in early 2006, we decided it was time to be in a committed relationship once again. He promised that he wanted to be monogamous too. I was more than ready to be his # 1.

In April 2006, Theo had a business trip where he’d be gone for just 5 days and when he returned, our monogamous relationship would be resuscitated. I was thrilled. But when he returned from that business trip he informed me that he met someone new and would need to see both of us at the same time. I was done. It landed on my soul what was happening. Theo had no intention of really being monogamous… ever. His father wasn’t monogamous. And his father’s baby mamas were cool with it, so Theo thought I would be too. Because after all, that was his modeling.

After 15 years, he should have known me. That said, after 15 years I should have known him! So when he asked me to be his other # 1, I said: No. I am the only one. And with that, I left him. As the universe would have it, 4 months later I met my fabulous husband who is indeed the love of my life.

When the heart is well and clear, your beloved will arrive.

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Coming Back to Me

Community: a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common. This is the definition according to the Oxford dictionary. Human beings need community in order to have a sense of belonging. This usually means that there is energy, time or attention spent for other people. Of course, we do things for ourselves as well. But sometimes, the scale gets tipped towards caring for others more than ourselves. When this happens, it is possible to be left feeling depleted. We forget our own needs, which at its worst, can lead to sickness, or even depression.

How do we fill our cup when we’re busy filling the cup for others?

I have a client who is caring for a parent with dementia and going to work at the same time. She has a sister who could assist with responsibilities for their parent, but the sister refuses because she is emotionally incapable of helping in this way. Caregiving is not for everyone. While this is frustrating for my client, she cannot spend her time with resentment towards her sister. She must take better care of herself, but feels she has nothing left in order to do so. Where is the time or energy? You might say, take a spa, go on vacation, just take a break, right?

Easier said than done.

Like most people, my client is interested in maintaining community, which in this case is her family. But what is more valuable to understand is when we don’t give ourselves the proper care, we aren’t giving our best to the community. In that sense, we fail twice. But, this doesn’t have to be your outcome. Make yourself the priority whether you have children, a parent with dementia, or a demanding occupation. There is a way to come back to  yourself. Make it your business and you’ll have a stronger community.

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When the Bad is All Good

Before we even got started on our road trip things seemed to be going wrong. Walking around the car to put some things in the trunk, I stepped on some exposed tree roots and threw my hip out of alignment, instantaneously. My back went into a painful spasm. How am I supposed to sit in a car for 4 hours now?

My husband, David and I were embarking upon one of our epic summer road trips. Who loves a road trip? ✋

I took a moment, stretched, and the pain abated. It was a lovely ride. Good music, and even better conversation. When we arrived at our first destination for butterfly photography, we hiked for a few hours. The scent of pine, cedar and fir trees energized me like a healing tonic. My hip injury seemed to disappear. It was a beautiful day. Finally we arrived at the hotel. However, our room was double booked. (I guess this happens sometimes when folks book with Expedia? Be mindful.)

Anyhow, upon noticing the error, the friendly hotel staff upgraded our room. Hurray! But then we realized that the very clean upgrade had no toilet paper nor washcloths. (I understand some people don’t use washcloths but that’s a whole other blog.) Also, the deadbolt on the front door didn’t work and several blinds were missing from our front window in the living room. Yes, living room, we were upgraded to an entire apartment! We shared what was lacking with the staff and surprisingly, they had no washcloths and had to run to the store for toilet paper. No, the deadbolt would not be fixed during our stay. But gratefully, there was a chain on the door and an old skool lock in the doorknob. We were set for security.

That afternoon we received a call saying that the manager would “have to go home to get washcloths from his linen closet”. Needless to say, it was a small town with very nice people.

Later that night, the folks in the apartment next to us got into an argument that lasted most of the night. We decided not to go into a dark place about this particular moment, and instead raised the volume on our music to drown out the arguing. And frankly, we had our toilet paper and washcloths, so we were giving thanks for our blessings.

The next day we continued our hiking and butterfly photography adventures. Since these excursions often take place in meadows, I’m usually covered in mosquito repellent because I’m that person who always gets a bug bite if there’s a bug around. 🙄 But these were Kern River mosquitoes. Let me explain: These are OG mosquitoes, comparable to Caribbean mosquitoes. You better have the repellent that’s super toxic. But of course, I had the “wellness” mosquito repellent. The good for your skin type of repellent. That said, I was eaten alive.

But we ate well, took fabulous photos and videos, and loved each other up. So yeah, things went all kinds of "bad" on this trip, but we were all good.

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