Love Values

It was during our first conversation that I thought he might be the one. There was something inherently shared between us, as if we were two separate garments sewn with the same thread. However, it wasn’t because we both liked movies, travel and fast cars. We do. Many do. But there was another aspect more significant between us which made me want to know more. It was easy and I didn’t understand quite why. We spoke for 3 1/2 hours.

My intuition was confirmed with our first date which followed 2 days later. Since then we’ve been together for over 15 years.

We met online dating. Although, it doesn’t really matter how you meet your partner. What matters is the connection that follows once you’ve met. Does the connection work? And if so, why does it work… and how does it last?

Having activities in common is fine. But you don’t need many activities in common at all to manifest a happy, long-lasting relationship.

It really comes down to the shared core value systems of each individual. What are your beliefs? According to the Oxford definition:

Values (noun): a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

That’s why my husband and I clicked.

Core values (or beliefs) are what shape and guide us through life, and ours matched. Core values create meaning for individuals. And, when things have personal meaning for us we’re more determined (and more likely) to be successful at them for the long run. This includes relationships, careers, and other passions.

Diversity. Self-respect. Tranquility. Speed. Decisiveness. These are random examples of core values. There are so many. Discover which ones exemplify you.

And, the next time you’re on a date, be more interested in whether your core values make sense together and less about whether or not they like vacationing in Cancún.

Energy Matters

How you doin’?

How you’re feeling matters.

In some instances, the way we feel is a direct result of our energy system, not necessarily a physical condition. We tend to keep tabs on our physical appearance, health, the foods we consume and how much money we make. But, do we pay as close attention to our energy? In the Chinese culture this is called your ‘chi’ and the Japanese call it ‘ki’ - life force energy that flows through every living thing.

Close your eyes and sit completely still for a moment. Feel that subtle energy moving through your body. Does it feel calm, balanced or something else? This type of awareness is vital to understanding what you need in any given situation.

I’ll give you an example. When I was in high school taking my college entry exam, I failed to turn over the last page in order to complete the test. There were 30 questions left unanswered! After I handed in the exam and it was revealed what I did, my entire energy system felt charged and shaky, like I was short circuiting. But, more notably was my energy during the test which probably caused me not to complete it. You see, while I was taking the exam my entire energy system was elevated as I noticed the length of the thing. It seemed like I was climbing Machu Picchu. When will this test end? And, that stressful energy of “when will this end” probably contributed to me becoming flustered and not completing the exam. (Thankfully, I did well enough and was accepted to a good university.) ;)

However, this was a great lesson. The importance of mindful awareness of our own energy. If I knew then what I know now, I would have planted my feet on the ground, closed my eyes for a moment and taken a few slow, deep breaths, creating a reset with more calm and focus. And then, I’d complete the exam.

Remember your ‘ki’. When we connect to it, we make better decisions for our lives. Reiki literally means Universal Life Force energy. This therapy is a great way to find calm, focus and balance when experiencing stress, anxiety, emotional and physical pain.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

The Deep Talk

Let’s get right to it. Communication is a biggie in relationships, especially romantic ones. And, if there’s an issue in your relationship, typically talking about it becomes a must in order to solve the problem. So if you’re not good at communication, you might stumble through it or just skip having “the deep talk” altogether which potentially can lead you right back to repeating the same mistakes that brought you to the conflict in the first place.

Remember things come up to be healed, so let’s heal them!

#1 Be chill. Even when an issue is important, it’s best to be calm in your approach. In other words, you don’t want to feel anxious or intense when you need to solve a problem. I know it’s hard, but the more calm you are the easier it will be for your partner to hear your words and your heart. So, in order to get yourself in the right state of mind for open discussion, take some nice, slow, deep, calming breaths. Meditate or pray if you prefer. Do restorative yoga. Eat a burrito… whatever it takes! When emotions are calm, it makes communication easier.

#2 Timing. A planned moment for an important conversation is often best because all parties know when to expect the heart-to-heart. What I call “pop-up talks”, potentially, can be more challenging. For example, in the middle of dinner or when your partner has just come home from work can create real resistance and derail the peace you’re trying to achieve.

#3 Love. Add love to the calm and centered space that you’ve created for yourself. Let’s assume that this is a relationship that you’d like to maintain, heal and grow. If this is the case, be the love you want to see. Even if this individual has hurt your feelings in some way, if you believe your union is salvageable, be loving in your approach of the issue. This entails having a calm manner of speaking, being relaxed in your body, and exuding kindness with your words. Words do matter and can leave a lasting impression, either positive or negative. Therefore, be mindful here.

#4 Love Sandwich. The top slice: Start the conversation by stating how important your partner is to you. Let them know how much you love them, that you’re interested in harmony, and that you endeavor to make things better. Share where you can improve and contribute to the success of the relationship, too. The middle: State the issue you’re hoping to solve. Speak from your point-of-view and refrain from putting words in their mouth. Bottom slice: Reiterate the care you have for your mate and that you’re committed to creating a greater peace in the relationship.

#5 Listen more than you speak. Remember, your partner is the one that has been summoned for the chat, so give them the time they need to process what you’re saying. It’s a discussion not a monologue. So allow for an equal exchange of communication. Also, you may require more than one conversation in order to come to a resolution. Be patient for the love you want to maintain.

#6 If words get heated, do not engage. Pause to regain composure. Words get lost in anger. Therefore, take some cleansing breaths or shelve the moment, so that you can take a break and begin again another time, if needed. Love is patient.

Lastly, take care of yourself and each other. The ultimate goal is peace.