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The Deep Talk

Let’s get right to it. Communication is a biggie in relationships, especially romantic ones. And, if there’s an issue in your relationship, typically talking about it becomes a must in order to solve the problem. So if you’re not good at communication, you might stumble through it or just skip having “the deep talk” altogether which potentially can lead you right back to repeating the same mistakes that brought you to the conflict in the first place.

Remember things come up to be healed, so let’s heal them!

#1 Be chill. Even when an issue is important, it’s best to be calm in your approach. In other words, you don’t want to feel anxious or intense when you need to solve a problem. I know it’s hard, but the more calm you are the easier it will be for your partner to hear your words and your heart. So, in order to get yourself in the right state of mind for open discussion, take some nice, slow, deep, calming breaths. Meditate or pray if you prefer. Do restorative yoga. Eat a burrito… whatever it takes! When emotions are calm, it makes communication easier.

#2 Timing. A planned moment for an important conversation is often best because all parties know when to expect the heart-to-heart. What I call “pop-up talks”, potentially, can be more challenging. For example, in the middle of dinner or when your partner has just come home from work can create real resistance and derail the peace you’re trying to achieve.

#3 Love. Add love to the calm and centered space that you’ve created for yourself. Let’s assume that this is a relationship that you’d like to maintain, heal and grow. If this is the case, be the love you want to see. Even if this individual has hurt your feelings in some way, if you believe your union is salvageable, be loving in your approach of the issue. This entails having a calm manner of speaking, being relaxed in your body, and exuding kindness with your words. Words do matter and can leave a lasting impression, either positive or negative. Therefore, be mindful here.

#4 Love Sandwich. The top slice: Start the conversation by stating how important your partner is to you. Let them know how much you love them, that you’re interested in harmony, and that you endeavor to make things better. Share where you can improve and contribute to the success of the relationship, too. The middle: State the issue you’re hoping to solve. Speak from your point-of-view and refrain from putting words in their mouth. Bottom slice: Reiterate the care you have for your mate and that you’re committed to creating a greater peace in the relationship.

#5 Listen more than you speak. Remember, your partner is the one that has been summoned for the chat, so give them the time they need to process what you’re saying. It’s a discussion not a monologue. So allow for an equal exchange of communication. Also, you may require more than one conversation in order to come to a resolution. Be patient for the love you want to maintain.

#6 If words get heated, do not engage. Pause to regain composure. Words get lost in anger. Therefore, take some cleansing breaths or shelve the moment, so that you can take a break and begin again another time, if needed. Love is patient.

Lastly, take care of yourself and each other. The ultimate goal is peace.

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